So this happened today

I don’t drive the highway. I drive the surface streets. I am fine on very short driving trips. Anything over five to ten miles, I can’t do by myself.

I drove today on the interstate. Mark was in the vehicle with me. I drove 15 miles. The worst 15 miles I have ever driven.

If it weren’t for him with me, I probably would have gotten into an auto accident. I had a severe anxiety attack driving. I white knuckled the steering wheel. I was actually shaking while driving. He said I was breathing weird and even asked me if I was going to throw up. When we finally got to a safe place for us to change drivers [at the rest area], I was sweating so bad  you could see the sweating coming out of me and light headed. I had tunnel vision while driving. I felt like I was going to throw up and pass out. I had tears in my eyes. My stomach felt like I got kicked by a mule when I stopped. 

Every time a vehicle would go by us, I honestly thought “this is how we are going to die. This is it. This how we are going to die.”

Every time a semi would go by us, I thought “OMG that truck is going to hit us and we are going to flip over and die. We are going to catch on fire and die.”

When I stopped and got out, I hugged Mark and all I could do is tell him I am sorry for being such a failure. I felt like I was a failure. He told me I wasn’t a failure for having an anxiety attack. He told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault.

I wasn’t like this in 2015. I wasn’t like this before Joe tried to kill me. I wasn’t like this before Joe attacked me. I wasn’t like this!

I FUCKING HATE HIM! I FUCKING HATE THE MOTHER FUCKER MORE THAN ANYTHING! IF I WISH DEATH ON ONE MOTHER FUCKER, HE DESERVES IT! IF I WISH ANYONE TO GET A HOLD OF THAT DRUG CALLED GREY DEATH, I WISH IT ON HIM! IF I WISH FOR ANYONE TO GET A HOLD OF THE HEROIN THAT IS GOING AROUND THAT IS KILLING PEOPLE, I WISH IT ON HIM! IF I WISH ANYONE TO OD ON DRUGS, I WISH IT ON HIM! JUST ONE MORE FUCKING JUNKIE DEAD!

HE DESERVES TO DIE FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME! HE DESERVES FUCKING HELL FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME! I can’t even fucking drive on the fucking interstate! I can’t even fucking DRIVE ON THE FUCKING INTERSTATE!

I FUCKING HATE HIM! HE STOLE MY FUCKING LIFE!

This is why I can’t drive when I am on the road for work. I feel like I have had my own freedom taken away.

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD JUST FUCKING GIVE HIM THE REST OF HIS KARMA!