Today is just one of those days where being trapped in my own head is not a good idea. I am designing new cabinets. I have done this kind of thing a thousand times over and with not even blinking an eye. The cabinets are out of repurposed wood and with a very unique, multilevel design and an aged finish.
I am sitting here drawing out the blue prints to scale for the kitchen and with every stroke of the pencil, I am literally breaking down into tears.
Thanks to the abuse, today all I hear is him in my head telling me how much of a loser I am and how much of a failure I am.
I am hearing him tell me that I cut wood wrong.
I am hearing him tell me that I fuck up everything.
I am hearing him tell me I am stupid.
I am hearing me that no one wants to be around me.
I am hearing him tell me that my kids don’t love me.
I am hearing him tell me that everything I do, I do wrong.
I cannot concentrate. I cannot work. I have literally thrown up several times today.
Today is not a good day and being trapped in my head is not a good thing. Literally the only thing I have accomplished today is spray painting three vacuum seal jars. The rest of the day has been an absolute feat for me.
The power of thought after abuse is strong.
Today is not a good day.
I pray tomorrow is better.