They’re back

The freaking dreams are back.

Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water!

I don’t know if it is because of my location that they are back or if it is because of the fact I just found a box that had some of his stuff in it and threw it out or the fact that I have been speaking with someone very important on the phone (and now this morning face-to-face) about him.

What ever the cause they are back.

Now it is going to go back to no sleep and me charging myself up with endless doses of the strongest, blackest coffee possible. (Starting tomorrow because tonight I need to relax in my hot tub with hot tea and try to calm down the pain I am in)

I wake up several times throughout the night gasping for air, feeling his hands on my neck and him on me holding me down. I actually smell his cologne.

I woke up the other night with actual blood coming out of my nose. My blood pressure was so high, it burst a blood vessel in my nose.

I have to get another mouth guard because I have literally chewed through my custom guard the orthodontist made for me. It was made out of some very strong, thick plastic. But that is how bad I have been grinding my teeth with my nightmares.

I woke up crying last night. The night before I woke up swinging. My dog was barking at me and jumped up on the bed holding me down with his paws.

I think he thought I was having a seizure. He holds me down when I am having a seizure. It is the cutest thing you have ever seen. He sits next to me and lays on me.

My boyfriend said when he kissed me the other morning I was talking to him. I don’t even remember him kissing me to tell me that he was leaving. When I woke up, I found my sheets were off my bed and my blanket was almost ripped to shreds.

I know my boyfriend didn’t do it. He sleeps in the lounge chair in the living room. He snores very bad and it is the only way he can sleep without waking himself up because of how it is angled.

When I asked him about it, he said it was like that when he kissed me. He thought that I had purposefully kicked everything off the bed.

I have woke myself up while sleep walking. I have found myself about to go out the door.

During the dreams, all of them Joe is about to kill me. The one the other night, he shot me in the head. He killed my boys right in front of me. He killed my dog right in front of me. He killed my boyfriend right in front of me.

The others are similar. He makes me beg for my life. He torments me and still shoots me. He beats me in every one of the dreams very similar to how he did in real life. He sodomizes me like he did in real life. In almost every dream, he kills a loved one in front of me like he threatened to do many times in real life.

I don’t want to go back to not sleeping or even sleeping with the help of Xanex. Speaking of Xanex, I actually had to throw out a prescription that expired. I know when Joe reads this his veins are going to cringe.

I got prescribed a year ago, March 27, 30 of them. I just had to throw out 18 because they had expired. I know, I know. I am such a hard core junkie… LOL (If you didn’t know that is full on sarcasm right there!) Pretty sad that when he was around I couldn’t even keep my thyroid medicine, any of the medicine the oncologist gave me or any other medications given to me because every time he would break in, while I was passed out from him beating me he would raid my medicine cabinet. He would take every pill in my cabinet possible. I started tricking him though. I replaced all of the medication in my cabinet with different levels of birth control pills I ordered online. They were different colors and he is an idiot, so I don’t think he knew the difference to be honest. A junkie is a junkie.

Maybe that is why he only beats up on females because he is really a bitch!

I kept my medicine at my office in my desk and in my car in a safe place where he couldn’t find them.

Either way, I now have to get new meds to go to sleep and the natural stuff reacts with my seizure meds. ::sigh:: I don’t want this!!!!! I just want the nightmares, LITERALLY, to be over!

I just want THE ENTIRE nightmare to be over.