Living with my brain

The title should have been “Trying to live with my brain”. Some days are harder than others.

I get panic attacks.

I get depression.

I get confusion.

I get anxiety.

I get crying episodes.

I get tunnel vision.

I get irritation out of no where.

Last night we went to one of those hibachi grill places. You know the Japanese places where they cook it in front of you. I can’t sit with my back to anything. I can’t handle lots of noise and chaos. I can’t deal with crowds.

They sit you with random people. I have no problem with that. So I thought. I haven’t ate at this kind of place since my attack in 2015 so I didn’t know how I would handle it. They sat us with my back to a walk way where people walked within cross proximity of my back. This made me very uncomfortable.

There was a lot of noise. A LOT of noise. Random people talking over each other. Then they had some disco ball come on with loud music because it was someone’s birthday. They started singing but with a bad Japanese accent on microphones and over the loud random voices. It was way too much for me. The server was trying to take our orders. I wanted to throw up.

I was getting light headed from all of it. I forgot my earbuds to block out all of it.

The guy cooked our food and put on a great show. I was so distracted by the sounds and people walking behind me, literally there was less than two feet between me and the wall for the people to walk, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t even eat anything but a quarter of my rice and didn’t touch my chicken or vegetables.

When we got the bill, I honestly couldn’t get out of their quick enough. I couldn’t breath. I felt like my stomach was coming out of my throat and my heart was coming out of my chest. The guy sitting next to my best friend told the guy “hey it’s her birthday” jokingly, pointing at me to try to gain attention. I told him “I have anxiety, please don’t do that.” He just kept doing talking. Him and his wife were both drinking with their kids with them. Parents of the year they will never get.

Today we went out to find matching urns. One for my dog I have to put down next week and one for when the time comes eventually to put my other dog down. I wasn’t driving because traffic was so bad my anxiety was through the roof again. My best friend drove the beast.

We stopped by Michaels because I wanted to pick up a few things for some projects I am working on. When I got in there the store was very busy. They were having a two-day door buster sale. Plus I had a 60% off coupon and a 40% off coupon. Because the store was so busy, my mind went blank.

I couldn’t remember what I came in there for.

I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted.

I couldn’t think.

I couldn’t concentrate.

I couldn’t focus.

I started to get shaky.

I started to get tunnel vision.

I started to get scared that people were noticing that I couldn’t concentrate and would think I was on drugs or that I was crazy.

I couldn’t even make a fucking decision.

We left the store after being in their 45 minutes without buying anything. My one day coupon of 60% off….. wasted. Nothing! I went home to my friends house who I am visiting and cried my eyes out that here I am almost 44 years old and I can’t even keep it together long enough to go to dinner or even go to the craft store to buy stuff for projects I am working on. I literally locked myself in the room.

I ended up coming out long enough to cut all of my hair off on a whim.As in I literally have a buzz cut, about a 1/4 inch all the way around, now I know what my natural hair color is, hair cut. And I don’t even think I ate because I can’t remember if I did.

Why? Because now no one will find me attractive. Seriously that is why I did it.

How fucking lost my mind fucked in the head have I gotten? The doctor says it is because of TBI my brain gets like this and I will be like this forever. If it weren’t for the fact my head got bashed around, I wouldn’t be like this.

I fucking hate Joe! One fucking person did this! ONE FUCKING PERSON! I hope he gets ran over by a bus full of nuns and one perverted priest.

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