I just don’t sleep

I avoid sleep every night. if I close my eyes, Joe is there choking me there. I literally wake up gasping for air, feeling like someone hands are around my neck. I close my eyes, fall asleep and he is there raping me, with his arm on my neck and hand over my mouth and nose. I close my eyes, fall asleep and he is there bashing my face in with his fist.

I literally avoid sleep. I drink so much coffee I am surprised my brain even functions

It takes four .5mg Xanex to not make me have these dreams. I hate taking pills. It’s bad enough I have to take pills for epilepsy that came as a result of the TBI he gave me. Two different kind of pills for the epilepsy. I also take high blood pressure pills, antidepressants and thyroid hormone replacement pills.

What did I take previous? Thyroid hormone replacement because I had to have my thyroid removed in 08 due to cancer.

I constantly have his voice in my head telling me I’m stupid, fat and ugly. I literally hear his voice. I feel like I’m going crazy. I hear certain songs, I throw up. I smell certain smells, I throw up. I wasn’t like this previous to him trying to murder me.

And I feel like one fucking person cares. I get “move on”, “You’re crazy”, “Just get over it”, “what is it accomplishing just reliving it.” I mean I know they do. But it just doesn’t seem like it.

Fuck if I could stop all of it i would. I’ve tried to get help. They they put me on meds that make me into a zombie and I can’t think or function or get out of bed. I can’t talk to my friend because he doesn’t get it and when I do he just says the wrong things. I talk to a shrink, and it does Jack shit.

So I’m back at square one. I’ve not been to work in 6 days. we are on a 3 week holiday break and I’ve not gotten out of bed but 1 time and left my house in 3 days. I don’t plan on leaving my house but 2 times in the next 6 months. What’s the use, no one else cares…why the fuck should I?

HELL he won’t even show up to the divorce mediators. His cunt of a mother has been notified and refused to cooperate. His cunt of an ex wife also was asked for help in cooperating but refused. Why?

Because they advocate his abuse! Maybe one day when their daughters are murdered or raped by a male just like Joe then they will understand….nah Not really because they’re both psychopaths too.

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