Traumatic Brain Injury – this shit sucks

Imagine if you will going from wicked smart, extremely independent, and being ready to go at any time then all of a sudden your thoughts are hard to come by, your vision is blurry, and your head feels like it is going to explode? FRUSTRATING! 

Before August 9, my life is was pretty okay considering the cancer crap I am going through. I had no problem forming words. I had an appetite. I had no problem focusing or concentrating on things. I had no problem with my vision. I could smell the flowers blooming or even food cooking on the stove. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t as snappy. I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out. I didn’t feel dizzy all the time. I didn’t feel like I am going to throw up all the time. I didn’t have a hard time retaining things.  I didn’t feel like I was about to fall or drop things all the time. I didn’t have a hard time remembering new people I met. I didn’t have a stiff neck. I didn’t have constant ringing in my ears. I didn’t have a lack of interest in most everything. I can’t sleep and when I do, it is not one that comes easy. When I do sleep, I never had a hard time waking up (yes I was that annoying morning person) I used to be able to go out in the sun without sunglasses because the sun didn’t hurt my eyes.

On August 9, my ex decided that my head was something he could bounce repeatedly off a wall and punch and elbow in the face. Going to the doctor, I was diagnosed with Traumatic Brain Injury -which has been upgraded from a Grade I to a Grade II because of the after effect. This day was like any other…well, so I thought. I had told him it was over for god between us because of his cheating, drug use, and lies. I told him I no longer wanted to be with him because he is a person who is not positive and draining in my life.

Now before I start, yes he had hit me previous. However, when you get told on a daily basis that you are fat, disgusting, worthless, stupid, and that no one wants you, after a while you begin to believe it. However, this time I had enough of being his punching bag. I got tired of being the ONLY one who paid bills. I got tired of being the cook, the maid, the money maker, and essentially raising him. I got tired of everything I did, I did wrong. I got tired of being told it was “none of my business” when he would get money because it was his money and he would do what he pleased with it because I paid all the bills. (He never once paid a dime towards bills the entire time we were together) I got tired of being lied to about everything. I got tired of being accused of cheating. I got tired of being called names including being told I am a coke whore – considering I don’t do drugs this is funny but annoying. I got tired of walking on egg shells because everything I did was not to his liking. I got tired of going to appointments by myself because he was too damn lazy to get out of bed. I got tired of his drug use. I got tired of being lied to or watching him lie to people and when I stood up and said something I would get yelled at or hit.

I just got tired of it all. I am a 42 year old woman who is highly educated and got her shit together. This is NOT who I am and I will be go to hell if this is not how I will end up.

So wile confronting him about his cheating, his lies, and his drug use, He decided to throw me into the wall, repeatedly slam my head against a wall until I was seeing stars and lost consciousnesses briefly. As if that wasn’t enough, he elbowed me in the face, collapsing my nose on one side. Oh wait, I guess that wasn’t enough for him. So he decided to step ON my chest hard as he went past me. During the entire melee in order to try to get him off me, I bit him on the back of the arm. He called the cops. Yes, he did and said that I attacked him.

Now his only injury was where I bit him. Me on the other hand, i was left with a collapsed nasal passage and TBI.

According to the doctor, this grade of TBI will over time “possibly” heal. However, there is no guarantee of it. So because my ex thinks it is fine to hit and beat on women, I could possibly be handicap for the rest of my life. I could possibly have my capacities diminished on a long term basis. This shit sucks!!! And all because a male decided it was okay to beat on a woman. I pray it gets over soon because I hate feeling like I am going to need to depend on others to help me in life. That is not who I am and that is not who I want to be.

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